THE iPHONE RUINS MARRIAGES

For the last few years, a great debate has raged across all of North America. What does this debate address?
Is it the declining economy?
Is it the gross mismanagement and incompetence that exists at all levels of government?
Is it the insanity that led to the canceling of Arrested Development?
Is it the crisis that our health care system currently faces, with growing numbers of people without health insurance, and fewer doctors and hospitals to serve them?
Is it the NHL locking out its players for the third time in 18 years?
Is it about how Beyoncé can possibly be named Sexiest Woman Alive when Sarah Jean Underwood exists?

No. No to all of the above.

This debate addresses something much more serious. WHICH PHONE IS BETTER?!
Apple people love the iPhone, and won't stand to hear arguments to the contrary. Droid users hate on Apple people, citing their fanboy love as completely blinding them to the holes present in their platform. And then there are the old people who use Nokias and don't think that there is any reason a phone should be anything more than 9 numbers and a dialtone.

Although I can't proclaim to have the answer to the above argument, I can provide to you this definitive statement. The iPhone ruins marriages - and cars.

It was a quiet day in the ER not so long ago when I was called in to our trauma bay to care for a VIP. From time to time, somebody comes through the ER who needs to be treated with kid gloves. Roll out the best 'used to be bloody but now are clean' hospital linens! Get him a sandwich! Make sure we don't put him next to the demented guy who poops himself every three minutes! Stuff like that. It's never somebody actually important - usually it's the brother of a cousin of a guy who used to sleep with the CEO's old babysitter. That kind of thing.

Anyway, this time the VIP is the brother of somebody who actually is important. Cool, eh? Not really. The really cool part is the story.

DR. Z: Hi there, sir. What brings you into the emergency department today?
VIP: Well, I was driving my car a few minutes ago and I got in a bad car accident. I was able to drive myself here, but my car is pretty much ruined.
DR. Z: I'm sorry to hear that, but I'm glad that you seemed to avoid any serious injury.
VIP: I think I'm alright for the most part, but my left shoulder really hurts.
DR.Z: Alright, let's get you out of that shirt and into a gown so we can do a proper physical examination. I'll help you, since it seems as though you can't move your left arm too much.
[ as we remove his shirt, his Blackberry falls out of his shirt pocket, hits the cold hard floor, and breaks apart into three or four pieces, which scatter throughout the trauma bay] 
VIP: Oh, don't worry about it, it happens all the time. It'll be fine once I put it back together.
DR. Z: That sucks. You know what doesn't break apart when it hits the ground? The iPhone. You should get an iPhone.
VIP: I HATE THE iPHONE. It ruined my marriage.
DR. Z: Huh?
VIP: I was at the club one night with some honeys, and I accidentally butt dialed my wife - with my iPhone. She heard everything... and now we're divorced. The iPhone is the reason that my life is upside down - it's the reason I got in an accident today!
DR. Z: Today? I thought you have a Blackberry now...
VIP: I DO. But the reason I was even driving today was because I was driving across town to see my kids - they live with their mom now. If the iPhone never butt dialed my wife, we would still be together, and I never would have gotten into an accident today. I hate the iPhone.

Yup. The iPhone is the cause of all of your worries. And you are the reason that America's collective IQ is decreasing.